remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
