Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
