He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
