she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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