Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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