I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
