we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
