yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Randomize
