90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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