is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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