as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
