I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
