The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
