I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
