my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
