My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Randomize
