I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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