After last night, I could never be a politician.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
