My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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