I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
