I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
