Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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