Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
