Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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