I can tuck mytits in my pants
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
