Moan for me like Helen Keller
I wish I only lived at night.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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