Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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