I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
