sarcasm needs its own font
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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