Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
