I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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