Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
