yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
