I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
