I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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