I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
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