I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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