So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
