I think my fart just growled at me.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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