This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
