I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
