Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize