If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize