fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
