so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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