once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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