I just made out with a guy for $7.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
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