My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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