i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
