I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize