The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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