My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Vodka?
Forever.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
