Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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