mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
