Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
