my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
