Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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