i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
