Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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