I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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