Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just threw up on my dentist
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
