You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
