chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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