After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
