i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
