I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
