I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
