im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize