Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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