Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Another day, another engagement, another cat
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
